Widower Dating Again
Here are 10 tips for dating a widower you should know when starting your relationship: 1. Don’t get offended. It may take a while for you to have a relationship that’s as strong as their deceased partner, or you may never be put on the same pedestal. “When someone loses a spouse, they usually idolize the lost partner on some level, so don. Sometimes it might not be the right time yet. Grieving is not the process that is easily controlled. Aug 04, 2011 As for the “living again”, unless you suspect that there might be depression issues that need to be addressed with a doctor, the zest for life comes from knowing there are reasons to, which is where talking about the future and making plans comes into it. If you haven’t check out the Facebook group Dating a Widower, you might want to. Oct 27, 2020 A widower might have been out of the dating game for years; you must take that into consideration. Look for warning signs: If you are dating a widower and you often find him drawing comparisons between you and his deceased spouse, that is definitely a warning sign. The guy you are dating is still stuck in grief, and it could get pathological. Nov 28, 2019 For a widow or widower, the thought of dating again after losing your partner will need plenty of consideration. Having intimately shared your life with someone, and with possible plans made for the future, the prospect of finding someone else to share your life with, can feel strange and unsettling.
When you’re dating someone who’s lost a spouse or partner, you’re entering an area of dating that not many people have experience of. You may worry that this person is always going to be talking about their spouse or that he or she will never give you the type of relationship you want. While those concerns are expected, they’re often not the case. Some people grieve over their lost partners, others may not have had the marriage they wanted. More often than not, it’s complicated. But your relationship with them doesn’t have to be.
Here are 10 tips for dating a widower you should know when starting your relationship:
1. Don’t get offended.
It may take a while for you to have a relationship that’s as strong as their deceased partner, or you may never be put on the same pedestal. “When someone loses a spouse, they usually idolize the lost partner on some level, so don’t be threatened if they refer to them in adoring ways,” explains licensed psychologist, Dr. Wyatt Fisher.
2. Don’t ask for too much information about their spouse.
Being a good listener is key in any relationship, but when you’re dating a widower don’t dig for information they don’t want to share. “It takes time to get to know someone and understand them,” explains Stef Safran, a relationship expert and dating coach. “Asking a lot of personal questions is no shortcut.”
3. Take it slow.
Each person is different and it will take time to learn if the person you’re with is ready to be in a relationship again, so try to mirror the pace they’re taking. “It wouldn’t be any different than dealing with someone who’s divorced. It sometimes can take time to see if someone is ready for the relationship that you are,” says Safran.
4. Honor the memory.
Regardless of how often they bring up the deceased, it’s important to respect them. “When they bring up memories of their deceased spouse, be sure to honor them with respectful language, such as ‘sounds like they were a great person’ or ‘I’m so sorry for what you’re going through,” says Fisher.
5. Watch out for warning signs.
If your significant other is comparing you to their deceased spouse constantly or if there’s incessant talk about the death, it could be that they’re stuck in grief and it could get pathological. Get out if this sounds like your relationship, explains international dating coach, Cynthia Spillman. “He or she may not be emotionally available right now, but keep the door open if you want to.”
6. You may not be included.
Be prepared for potential animosity. Spillman says this can come from his former in-laws as well as any children and even friends. “If they have children, don’t try and be their mother [or father]. The best you can hope to be to them is a good friend.”
7. Take honest stock of your expectations.
It’s unpredictable and your date may be cycling in and out of the stages of grief, explains relationship expert, Linda F. Williams. “They may do more talking about their spouse than you might be in the mood to hear. But you’ll do the relationship a disservice if you expect them to compartmentalize that part of their lives. Focus on the friendship first. From there you might be more patient as they move through the process of grief.”
8. Watch out for the rebound.
“Sometimes when someone loses a spouse they try to find someone to fill the void. Be careful that person isn’t you. Be cautious dating anyone who has lost their spouse within the last 6-12 months,” says Fisher.
9. Don’t try to fill a void left by the loss.
Nobody can. That’s too much pressure for anybody, and you shouldn’t take it on yourself. “If it appears that he or she is seeking someone to fill a hole their spouse has left, have an honest conversation about the matter. Then, based on that information, you might decide to permanently, or temporarily, end the relationship.” says Williams.
10. Do realize that widowers can make wonderful partners.
“Sometimes there isn’t the bitterness that divorce can entail and sometimes there is a chance for their significant other to express that they want them to find love again,” says Safran.
Losing someone is always hard, but losing a spouse is a profound experience that effects much more than your single status. With the loss of a loved one, a whole life can change. When dating someone who’s a widower, respect the loss they’ve experienced and the changes they may have went through or may still be going through. But also respect yourself. It may be that you have a wonderful relationship with a wonderful person ahead of you, or it may be that your time with this person is another chance to grow.
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Starting to date again at age 65 after being married for many years is intimidating for both widows and widowers. The reality can be very different than the cliché’s seen at the movies. For me, dating was a necessary step in my journey to regain my sanity, to redefine myself, and to regain my self-confidence.
Once I got past the first few dates (starting five months after my wife’s passing) and regained a modicum of self-confidence, I was fortunate enough to meet one woman who caused me to feel like I was sixteen years old again. Wow! I had no idea that I could possibly feel this way about any woman again. Prior to this, I expected to feel some level of mutual attraction, but not to have my pulse run faster, to have sleepless nights thinking about her, or having anxiety about our relationship. Literally, I felt as if I had regressed 50 years to my first high school infatuations.
We found ourselves carrying on long conversations, calling each other frequently, seeing each other often, and just enjoying each other’s company. There definitely was attraction, a sense of being able to be open with each other, and a feeling that we had been brought together for a reason.
The object of my affection and I both found we were going through a similar emotional roller coaster. The fact that she also was recently widowed helped us to be more empathetic and supportive of each other as we went through this common experience. I loved being able to feel this way again; but was fearful that my emotions were being driven by my psychological-emotional state that arose from my continued deep grieving for my recently deceased wife.
I was fortunate in that my new-found friend and I were able to step back and slow the train down before we jumped into full-blown intimacy. I admit that she was better at this than I was, but I came to be grateful for our hesitancy as I believe neither of us was fully ready for that yet. I also believe that at this early stage, there would have been negative repercussions in the form of regrets and self-condemnation.
Eventually, after about three months, we broke it off knowing that we were not yet in an emotional and psychological place where we could take the next step in our relationship. We both realized that we were still going through some deep grieving that made it very difficult to establish a strong foundation for an ongoing relationship that might develop into something more permanent.
This led me to begin dating in a much more platonic mode going forward. I came to realize that my first focus had to be on me, and my becoming a more secure, fulfilled, and strong individual before I could add someone else into my life. I recognized that I was still redefining who I now was after losing my wife who had been such a large part of me. I did not yet know who I was without her. I could not just take another woman, no matter how wonderful she was, and put her in Theresa’s place.
In the end, this three-month whirlwind romance was good for me in that it:
· showed me that I could love again,
· built my self-confidence about myself and my ability to meet wonderful women again,
· allowed me to experience emotions that I did not know were still possible, and
· taught me how to better manage my newly unleashed emotions.
So, if you are thinking about diving into the dating pool again, let me encourage you to do so, but with a caution to pace yourself, don’t get discourage if at first you don’t succeed. And when you meet someone who lights your fire… take a step back just long enough to make sure as best you can that moving forward is a good thing for you and her.
© Copyright 2020 Fred Colby
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